


Have you ever been covered in mayonnaise?

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-18
Updated: 2012-07-18
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:29:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3508325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“I’ve been known to wake up in one of the other bands singer’s bunks, naked, covered in mayonnaise and weeping.  It’s a small complex I’ve had since I was a child.”</i>  - Randy Blythe<br/>(actual quote from an interview)<br/>This is the kind of weird shit I have a lot of trouble resisting, so I stopped resisting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have you ever been covered in mayonnaise?

Nathan woke up to the sound of someone crying, and discovered he wasn’t alone. Lying on his Dethbus bed was a way too naked guy covered in... he really wasn’t all that sure what. He smelled kind of like a sandwich though. And he was crying, which made the situation even more uncomfortable. He couldn’t remember a whole lot after they’d come off stage the night before.  
“Uh, dude? Hey?” He didn’t really want to touch the guy, whoever he was, he looked a tad slimy.  
Still crying, the guy turned to face him. “I’m sorry, Nathan. I think I warned you that this happens to me sometimes.”  
“ _Randy_?! Oh shit, we didn’t like, _do_ anything, did we?”  
“No, no, I’m sure we didn’t. Don’t worry about that.”

The others were awake now, and starting to wander in. “Whoa dood, do I even wanna know what happened here?”  
“Nothing happened!” This was all still very awkward, but at least Randy had stopped crying.  
Skwisgaar wandered in and started fucking with the coffee, paying the situation no mind at all. They were probably going to need a new toaster again.  
Pickles thought for a moment, then grabbed a towel and tossed it to Randy, who wrapped it around his waist. That was better, for everybody.

“Do me a favor? Call my wife, tell her it happened again and to bring the mayo remover.”  
Nathan nodded. “Hey Skwisgaar! Do you have Randy’s wife’s phone number?”  
“Pfft, noes.” There was the sound of some small kitchen appliance meeting it’s death.  
Pickles started paging through a phone book that almost certainly wasn’t even for the right state. “Mayo remover? Why can’t you jest use soap?”  
“Mayo remover is guaranteed to be at least 3% more effective than soap.”

Nathan got up and dressed, his sheets needed washed but otherwise the situation felt more under control. “So uh, how does this even happen? Do you like get it on with the mayo and then get lost or something?”  
Randy shrugged. I”m pretty sure I’m not molesting condiments, but it wouldn’t hurt not to use the mayo just in case. I have no idea how it works, I never remember anything. It started when I was a kid, and I seem to find it rather depressing.”  
“Wait, you _seem to_ find it depressing?”  
“Well I suppose I must, since I always wake up crying.”

“Randy dood, I don’t think yer wife’s in this phonebook.” Pickles tossed it aside.  
“Oh sorry, let me give you her number.” He proceeded to do so, and Pickles dialed it.  
“Mrs. Randy? Yeah. Uh-huh, tha mayo thing. The Dethbus. Okie.” He ended the call. “Fifteen minutes, dood.”  
“Thanks, man. And I’m sorry about this.”  
“I schmell schandwhichsch.” Murderface wandered out, scratching his chest. He took in the scene. “I’m confusched.”

Before anyone could bother trying to explain, Toki also turned up. “Oh wowee, dids you does the sandwich stuffs slips in slides?”  
“That makes as much sense as anything else, so maybe.”  
Toki looked toward the kitchen. “No Skwisgaar, that’s the blenders, don’ts turns it on!” He got a closer look. “Ands the toasters, and... Fucks, just lets me does it.”  
“That’sch right Toki, you make usch schome schnacksch!”  
“Fucks you, Moiderface! I’s only makings the coffees!”

Randy looked around, squinting. “I don’t really know how to bring this up, but aren’t you guys supposed to be fictional? I mean, you seem pretty real to me but I don’t have my glasses.”  
“Uh, I think we’re real? I don’t know, what is real anyway? That’s like one of those deep philis- philos- religious bullshit questions. Close enough.”  
A horn beeped outside. “Oh that’s the wife! Do you mind if I borrow this towel? I’ll give it back later.”  
“No prahblem, dood. Good luck with tha mayo remover.”  
“Thanks, see you at the next stop!” And then he was gone.


End file.
